Where to begin? Back in August (or even before), my mother started feeling off. It was gradual and she had lost some weight over a number of months. Her appetite was not what it used to be and oftentimes she felt nauseous. She moved in with me in December of 2014 and over those nine years, she has dealt with a myriad of physical and mental issues – all manageable and she faced each with dogged determination. But nothing prepared us for what we we were about to face.
This past September, we reached a crisis point and I had to call emergency. She was admitted into the hospital and spent 12 days. Over that time, details of her health emerged and each passing day, added to the bleak picture ahead. She had a blockage in her liver duct. It was a tumor. It was malignant. It had metastasized (ie – the cancer had spread outside the liver duct). She was not a candidate for surgery because the tumor was not contained. And my mom absolutely refused chemotherapy (and rightfully so). They managed to put a stent in her liver duct and her health stabilized.
She was released from hospital mid-September, quite frail and for the next month my sister Lisa and I took turns staying with her day and night. The stunning photo above was taken by my brother Bob shortly after she was discharged. In that first week home, we had an appointment with the doctor assigned to her at the hospital. Although my family already knew what she was facing, this doctor put into words that my mom did not have much time.
It’s what happened afterwards that I will never forget. My sister was with us for this appointment and we both took note that mom was serious, pensive, exhausted, but almost seemed bothered. After my sister left the house, I was sitting with my mother on the porch. It was 9am, and eerily quiet outside. Usually at that time, cars are passing by and neighbours are bustling about, but on this morning, silence. I remember thinking in that moment we were in an empty theatre and the porch was the stage. I asked my mom if she wanted some breakfast and she said she wasn’t hungry and dismissed me. I could tell by looking at her there was something more behind her demeanor, something fragile that was fighting to get out as if trapped inside her.
And that’s when it happened. I leaned over and her face cracked. A floodgate of tears were released. I hugged her and wept with her like I never wept before. It was during that hug and through the tears, she said this to me: “Are you going to be okay?” My mom has no fear of death. She is a woman of great faith, a prayer warrior, a bible reader and is at total peace. But she is sad because she is leaving her children behind. After we shared that cry, she looked at me and said: “Okay, I’m ready for my Rice-Krispies”. Breakfast was on! That’s typical of her. Don’t linger. Turn the page. Get on with the day.
That month she spent at home, for me was a gift, but it was stressful as my sister and I were giving her opioids for her pain. Unfortunately, just two weeks ago (mid Oct), she developed an infection due to the stent. She was admitted back to the hospital where she was stabilized with antibiotics, but sadly she could not return home as the infection had left her in an even more weakened state. Last week, our family made the difficult decision that our mom had to be admitted into palliative care. That’s where she is today and where she will be living her remaining days.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t angry at the fact that this woman who has suffered much with mental illness over the years, now must face her mortality in this cruel way. I will make peace with this, but it won’t come easy. I was thinking the other day, what am I learning in all this. What is the lesson? What can I take away or hang onto? This is what I came up with. The depth of love that my siblings/family have for this lady (and the love she has for us) is so deep and so wide – so freakin’ enormous – that the grief naturally will be just as enormous. The greater the love, the greater the grief. So bring it on! Yes, it hurts like hell, but I would never in a million years trade in that love for anything.
Suffice to say, my writing is on pause. My focus is shot. Before this all began, I was about to put ANIMAL and BLUE – two of my plays – up on the Playwright’s Guild of Canada website but I never got around to it. I was working on a new play, which still sits on my desk. I have many stories to tell after all this is said and done. There is much, much writing to do. But for now, this blog is the most I can muster.
I leave you with two photos. This day made mom truly happy. On August 9, she spent some time with two sister-in-laws. We visited my Aunt Bina whom my mom lived with some 65 years ago when she left Italy and moved to Canada. I then brought her to my brother’s cottage where she met up with another sister-in-law, my Aunt Emma. I am so grateful she got to spend some time with these women. There is so much rich history and joy between them. Her spirits soared on this day. And knowing what we know now, these moments are seared in my memory.
Mom and Aunt Bina
Mom and Aunt Emma
When I was with my mom the other day, I sat on her bed and she said: “You could go now. You’ve spent enough time”. I took her hands and looked straight into her tired eyes: “It’s never enough time.” She gave me an all-knowing cute smile. Hug the ones you love because it’s never enough time. Peace.
Romeo (and Lisa) you will never regret the time you spent taking care of your mother. With all the work came many wonderful moments of pure joy, love and happiness that will bubble up in the years to come, and at odd times. I understand completely what you are going through right now and it is wonderful to know that she loves the Lord and that makes the heart ache of her leaving so much more comforting. Thank you for sharing your deep love for her (and hers for you). Thank you for the stunning photo! What a treasure!
The love between you and your Mom and the family is a wonderful gift Romeo. You always speak so warmly of her and she is an example of resilience in life that you will never forget. Thinking of you all and praying that you will be strengthened by the living arms of God, family and friends as you walk this journey. Sending hugs…
Oh, Romeo – I had no idea you were going through this crisis with your Mom. I hope we can have tea and a chance to talk next time you’re at work. You said you’re taking a break from writing- but what a masterpiece of words you’ve posted here! Your deep love for your Mom shines through in every word. No mother could ask for a more caring and supportive son than you are. Please know I’m praying for her, for your whole family and especially for you as you journey through this time. The Lord is very near – He doesn’t wait for you to emerge from the valley of the shadow. He walks right beside you, and He will carry you over the toughest spots. What a precious photo Bob took – your Mom’s love, faith and deep peace are so beautifully on display here. Much love, Nancy
Oh no! I am so sorry, Romeo. You have spoken of your mom often and I feel like I know her well. I’ve met her a handful of times and she is the kindest, sweetest woman who is an inspiration. Your mom, you, and your family are in our prayers.
Rome, thanks for stating it so well and so truthfully. Your assessment about it never being enough time is so accurate. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on all this, you have captured it all so poetically.
Romeo – I feel your heartbreak. We had to go through a similar situation with our Mom. It’s so hard. The photos of your Mom with her sisters-in-law indicate the happiness she enjoyed on those occasions, and she had so many other happy times while living with you. Those memories are precious. God bless you and your family.
I love your mom! I have so many wonderful memories or your mom. She always made me and my siblings feel special and cared for. Her pizzelles were our favorites. Praying the rest of her days are filled with peace and joy.
Praying for you and your siblings as well 🙏 ❤️.
Romeo I understand absolutely what you’re going through my prayers goes to you and your family, your mom will be with you no matter what.
It’s not easy to imagine one day you will face this, but it life. You had a wonderful and amazing life with your mom you’re blessed already.
I’m here for you anytime don’t hesitate to reach me
I’m only phone call away.
My deepest sincere many many prayers goes to all your family again
Naima
“Are you going to be okay?” and “Okay, I’m ready for my Rice-Krispies”.
How can these words ever be forgotten?
Whew…the moment on the porch / life stage…heartbreaking and yet life (love) affirming.
YES the greater the love, the greater the grief.
Someone once said;
Grief is tremendous, but love is bigger and it will help you survive the next day.
Here’s to LOVE…to you and your family…
And the photo that Bob took is truly STUNNING!
I is never easy to say goodbye to your mom. I lost my mom to cancer. It left a big hole there. When I get to heaven I have a lot of catching up to do. God is faithful. Love to you
This is a beautiful tribute, Romeo. As you live these “freakin’ enormous” waves of love and loss, you can have faith God will find the beauty in it and put it on the first page of your next chapter.
Romeo, my heart reaches out to you! I’ve been where you are with my own mother. The choice to put her into the nursing home broke my heart. She died 10 days later in the hospital of respiratory arrest. It’s never easy, especially if you’ve been close to your parent. Your heart hurts with a terrible ache. Thankfully, you know where she is going albeit the pain is very real. You are in prayers, Romeo. May God give you peace and comfort in this time.
My heart aches with you and your family Romeo. Your mom has been stoic through it all and that characteristic has been bestowed on you since you became the care-giver when your mom moved into the house. God is good. Keep the faith! Huge hugs to the Ciolfi Family!
Romeo, I’m thinking of you and your MOM and holding all your family in my prayers.
Oh Rome, you have captured it all so brilliantly, so clearly. My heart breaks for you, your Mom and your family. And I know your hearts are full even as they break. Much love